By Lisa Boonstoppel-Pot

Over the years, I’ve had farm women seek me out for advice on getting divorced. These are hard conversations. So emotional. Decisions need to be made but fear, shame, hurt and anger quickly make things dark and twisty.
I don’t ask for these conversations. Neither do I ever encourage someone to get a divorce. I listen and if asked, I share my divorce process because I remember how alone and scared I felt when it happened to me. I’m not an expert given that I was married once and divorced once. I'm proud I was married and not proud to be divorced. But it happened and I have made it through the financial worries, the loneliness and being overwhelmed and afraid.
It’s been 10 years since the start of the process and I hope, now, that I can respectfully and honestly represent the business aspect of my divorce to help other farm couples navigate through this difficult time. This is not a fun column to write and I only write it at the urging of farm women. Through all the difficulty, I am proud my ex-husband and I achieved our goal of saving the farm and that’s what this column will focus on. 
I think the first thing everyone thinks when they separate is “I need a lawyer.” Yes you do. But do not make this decision lightly. Ask around. Ask every professional in your circle for a lawyer that meets your needs.
I wanted a lawyer who would not fight and or advocate going to court, as did my ex-husband. Despite the marriage ending, we wanted to keep the dairy farm going so that one or more of our children would have a chance to become farmers. We knew it would be almost impossible for one of our kids to farm if we sold it, so we made saving it a priority. We chose lawyers that were not fighters and had an agricultural background so they understood the value, importance, emotion and legal ramifications of co-owning a farm, post-divorce. It worked. We were able to divorce on our terms, without a legal battle.
We found our lawyers via our accountant who I would name but I’m not sure he wants an influx of calls.  In the end, he became our primary mediator and separation agreement drafter. We had tried an “urban” mediator at one point but he had no farming background and it was a total waste of time and finances.
We have a long-standing relationship with our accountant and he is skilled at seeing the bright side of things. This was so helpful. He also understood our business and finances, has the ability to make financial forecasts and a mind to calculate different scenarios. My advice is to ask your accountant to work through different options according to your skillsets and how you envision the future. Write it all down and then sit with the numbers. Make sure you have enough to live on and support your children. Remember, the government sets out child support guidelines and calculators based on income. 
In a divorce, assets are divided equally. With a farm, you have to divide assets in a way that allows the farm to prosper. For us, this meant the ex-husband took over the cows, quota and business plus half of the dairy farm land. I released decision-making of the dairy business and was given acreage. The dairy farm then rented the land from that acreage in order to create income for me, grow enough crops to feed the cows and cash crop the rest. All other non-farming assets were calculated into the equation to reach an equitable settlement. I’m thankful there were assets to divide and feel for the couples where divorce leaves both destitute.
Was  our division of assets 100 per cent equal and fair? Well, land prices have gone up but so have milk prices. A dairy business makes more money than renting out land but running a business also requires more labour and risk. There are so many factors and I’m not sure “fair” is the right word to use. At some point, you have to remember your core purpose. We wanted to save the dairy farm and this division of assets allowed each owner to have some equity and income while preserving the dairy farm as a sustainable entity.  
When you divorce but co-own a property, the person living on the property has rights to privacy.  I had to leave my house, home and farm in order to save it. This was so incredibly difficult for everyone. But the fact is that a divorce isn’t a win/win. Even when necessary, it can be a lose/lose and you have to make sacrifices. We both needed counselling to emotionally work through the losses while moving ahead to new wins. It requires a willingness to move through the pain, which is humbling, but ultimately increases your resilience.
A divorce also takes time. Years of time. Be patient because some decisions are better made once the first (second, third, fourth…) flush of overpowering emotions have cooled. 
Expect to cry a lot. Create a support network and let those tears fall because they are as important as the division of assets. Then pick yourself up and get on with your new life. You have work to do raising your children, creating a new version of home and family, and getting a job because generally there is less money after a divorce, not more. Get up and get at it.
Ten years later, our third son wants to be a dairy farmer! This is an exciting time and requires another round on the financial merry go-round. I am trading land for money, at a reduced price, in order to help him get established. It’s good. It’s part of meeting our goal of launching the next generation at Jackpot Jerseys.
We didn’t have a marriage contract but I now encourage my children and everyone else to create one.
Everybody’s situation will, of course, be different. I just wanted to offer hope that even if the marriage ends, the farm can survive. Having a positive goal goes a long way to reducing a punitive approach. You will get less money then if you sell the farm but for us, giving the next generation a chance to dairy farm was worth far more. ◊